Tiffany and I have such a strong bond. Who would've ever guessed when she was BFFs with my little sisters, playing basketball in HS, moving into the same suite in the dorms at college, and knowing that she was "my sisters' friend" that she and I would someday have this connection. It's a connection that only comes from having been dealt a tough set of circumstances at such a young age. And we are there for each other every step of the way so when she asked me to take her to STL yesterday, I wouldn't have dreamed of saying no.
Walking around the Center for Advanced Medicine yesterday felt very comfortable. Completely the opposite of when I walked around there one year ago when everything was scary and unknown. Yesterday it felt kind of homey. Weird I know. I was confused, too, at my feelings. How can a place that sees so much of the worst-of-the-worst cases in the world make me feel secure? I'm guessing it's because for a year, that place has been my lifeline, so to speak. The doctors and nurses there have taken such good care of and have put me on the road to being cured. I have been there consistently every 3 weeks for a year. 17 times for treatment, plus numerous others for checkups, labs, and tests. And next week my year comes to an end. Oh I will still be going there for checkups, labs, and tests, but the treatment part will be over.
I have to be honest with you and tell you that this makes me a little sad, and nervous. I will miss all my favorite nurses so much, they have so much compassion and have taken such good care of me for the last year. I truly believe that God gave oncology nurses a very special gift and they are thoroughly using it! So I won't miss the circumstances, but I will miss the people very much. I hope we will stay in contact some. And it makes me nervous because after next Friday, I will no longer be taking treatments. And you might think "But isn't that a good thing?" Yes, it is but after I am finished, I am no longer actively doing anything to be treated. I am no longer taking medicine that kills cancer. I said yesterday that "I wonder if they would just go ahead and give me Herceptin indefinitely!" Not really meaning it, but kinda. Because I don't want to sit here and wait for something else to happen, for cancer to start growing anywhere else. It kinda freaks me out a little. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to move on with my life, but remember...THIS HAS BEEN MY LIFE FOR THE LAST YEAR.
So I'm trying to adjust to the fact that in a little over a week, I will no longer be on an every 3 week schedule. Funny, but I WILL be on a monthly schedule to get my port flushed out! Tiff and I have scheduled ours together. Monthly trips until I decide to have mine taken out. I may not be in any big hurry!
I'm ready to move on, but kinda afraid to let go. I know that God has big plans for me and I am trusting in His perfect guidance to make this transition from "patient" to "survivor" a smooth, easy, and enjoyable one!
Me and my dr, Julie Margenthaler.
Me, channeling my Papa and talking with my hands. Hehe;-) I don't LOOK nervous!
Katie behaving herself while Mommy's speaking.
My little princess and all her loot! She came away with so much stuff and LOVED it!